Something hit me last night that was different for me and pushed me to write this and share it. My prayer is that my sharing helps someone in some aspect of their journey. My prayer is that more folks will want to walk this journey not alone – but together …
Act I – Brokenesss and Unworthiness – The Lie
I fear a lot of things, if I let myself. The “if I let myself” piece is new for this life-long thought of “I fear a lot of things”. That sentence/thought used to be “I fear a lot of things”. That last piece has only been added recently.
Here is where the lie started for me. I was 10/11 ish and experienced a childhood trauma that was a breach of everything that was supposed to be right, good and safe between a father and daughter. The fear, self-loathing, and resulting brokenness and unworthiness from this trauma has infected and governed every aspect of my life since. It has swayed decisions about raising my hand in my school class rooms because I didn’t want to be seen and felt I wasn’t enough of something (smart enough, good enough to participate … any “enough” you can think of, I wasn’t enough of it). I can remember taking a Speech class in college, and I had one final speech to give and if I chose not to give it, I’d receive a C as a final score in the class. I opted for the C, even though my speech was prepared, because I’d decided I’d rather take a “C” than to get up in front of my class to give another speech … again, fear of being seen, fear of being rejected, not being good enough … it was too much to face … too risky. These feelings and beliefs about myself have plagued my relationships, my career, my participation at my children’s school … everything, including having played a role in my weight ballooning to well over 300 lbs.
Act II – Deciding I wanted to live and live differently … Learning the power of awareness
I won’t go into detail and specifics here, so that I can get to my point quickly. I was one of those folks who didn’t fully understand what “awareness” was. When I heard folks talk about “being aware “of how you feel, what you think and what you do, initially, if asked what I am aware of in those 3 areas, I might say, “I feel good (which isn’t a feeling), “I am thinking I don’t like being in front of people;” and “I am not talking to people because I don’t like them.” I’ve done a lot of work over the past few years to get me to where I am today. But this awareness thing, for me, has been critical in my healing AND in my healthy and happy journey, when it comes to fitness, nutrition and well-being. This being aware of what I’m thinking, feeling and doing, seems to have levels to it and if I had stopped at this - what I call – ““surface” level and not stayed with it and dug deeper and kept asking “why” I think that, or “why” do I do that or what does “good” mean in terms of an actual feeling, what happens to me in Act III would not have been possible.
Act III – Not accomplished on my own … still walking
I could talk for days about the specific things that are different for me now, but here, I will try to be brief and focus on the impact to my fitness, nutrition and well-being. Not everybody’s “stuff” is the same and really can’t be nor should it be compared, because everybody’s stuff is “their stuff” and impacts them in a way that cannot be compared to the affect it has on anyone else, because we are unique, fearfully and wonderfully made individuals.
No matter where your starting point is with “well-being”, what I know to be true is that the well-being piece is HUGE in our healthy and happy travels. The “if I let myself” piece I talked about earlier has reminded me that I can choose to set my fear down – I don’t have to carry it with me everywhere and let it in to every area of my life. Just yesterday, I chose to set my fear down when I shared my story with another lady who is on this journey. Yep, sometimes it’s really hard, but my motivation now is that I have “tasted” what life is when fear is not running the show.
Today, I can say, I lost 100lbs in my healthy and happy journey. Today I can say, part of my life (my lifestyle) now includes training (working out – weights and carido) 3 times a week – minimum – EVERY week. It is rare that I don’t get in 3 workouts. I have always enjoyed food and I still do. I enjoy just about all of the foods that I used to enjoy – I have learned to enjoy them maybe cooked differently, or by having less of certain things (i.e. meat) and more of other things (i.e. vegetables). When it comes to well-being, one major thing that I have learned and am still learning – and it’s something that has kind of come full circle in terms of why I am writing this today and sharing it. And that is, I have learned that I have to give away what I want to have – and what I want to have is authentic supportive people in my life – I’ve heard the word “tribe” – maybe that’s the word here, not sure. This is me practicing being authentic and supportive in sharing who I am and what the highlights of my journey have been so far. There have been bumps and full out trip and falls, all along the way – trust me!! But I am still on the path and am committed to keep walking my path. I’m hopeful that I will get to know some of you along the way as you walk your path and that folks will want to walk their paths in unison, in this community. Have a great rest of August everyone! 😊
ACT IV – I cannot wait to see what is next …