What the HELL?!

COVID-19 has me saying “what the hell” quite a bit these days.  As I watch the news and hear and see stories of nurses and front-line workers desperate for PPE, in my mind or out loud, I find myself saying “what the hell”.  


As I see, stories of thousands of people congregating on beaches, I’m saying, “what the hell”.  When I have to go into the office and I see people standing at someone’s cubicle or people grouped in the aisle talking and NOT social distancing, or when they come to my cube and breach the “6 foot barrier” associated with social distancing, as well as the “protective scowl mask” that I wear on my face that says “stay away”, and they come up to chit chat, I am thinking “WHAT THE HELL”!

“What the hell” pops up in other areas of my life also and it takes on a slightly different nuance in meaning.  When everything first shut down and I wasn’t able to continue my routine of exercising, along with the other things that I took for granted, that used to be my life, I said “what the hell”, I’m not going to exercise and I’ll just wait for this to be over. Now this next “what the hell”, is not new to me, but it still fit very nicely in the face of this pandemic …  So I’ve prepared my meal plan, like I do every week, and eating what I prepped for the work week and I want a burger on the weekend, or a brownie, or cookies, or chips, and I say, “what the hell”, … yes to all of it because why not, I deserve it, after all, these are extraordinary times!  Who knows where this pandemic will take us or what life will look like in 6 months, … 1 year, … 3 years!


What the hell” is still here with me, but it now has a sibling that is softer and not as scared and uncertain.  The sibling is less curt and bristly.  It’s more surprise than angst.  It’s more reflective and inquisitive than it is recoiling or dismissive.  The sibling is “what’s going on here”.  “What’s going on here”, comes when my 17 year old son or my 22 year old daughter comes in my room to chit chat or they sit down at the table to talk to me about, … well, they just come to talk. 


“What’s going on here”, has shown up in the string of thoughts that I have when I step on the scale and see that I am up 7lbs, and I think to myself, even though life is different now, I can still do the things that I committed to do before, when it comes to taking care of me.


I’m not exactly sure what my point is in writing this.  There is definitely less resistance to this forced change to my life that the pandemic has brought.  I’m not saying “what the hell” is gone or has been replaced by “What’s going on here”.  But it seems that maybe they are both going to exist moving forward.  I have been able to find things that make me pause and pay attention, and ask “what’s going on here” and those things I am grateful for, in the midst of the “what the hells”. 


I am hoping that you have been able to find and acknowledge things that cause you to pause, and things where you can say “what’s going on here” as well,  as you may too find the little unexpected nuggets of gratitude in the midst of “what the hell?!”


Stay safe everyone! Caroline 


1 comment

  • Caroline you look great. I believe we are all sharing the thoughts and feelings you shared. Awesome story. Thanks for sharing.

    Liz Jeffries

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